The probing wife

A Letter to My First Love

My Love,

These past few days I have been thinking about you endlessly. I always remember you when I write, when I work, when I look at the mirror and even when I smile. The thought of you fills my mind and my heart.

I remember the times when you hug me when I am so down. I remember the times when you encourage me when I feel weak. I remember the times when you tell me everything is fine, even if they are not. I remember the times when you tell me there is so much goodness in the world when I see none.

I miss how to combed my hair in front of your old worn out mirror. I miss the times when you pick and iron the best clothes for me to use. I miss the times when you made the most beautiful dresses for me. I miss the times when you make me the most beautiful stuff toys I have ever laid eyes on.

I can still remember your touch when you hold my hand. I can still remember our everyday walk to the farm. I can still remember how you tell me you love me. I can still remember the food you cook for me everyday .

I can still remember your frown. I can still remember your angry face. I can still remember your laughter. I can still remember your smile. I can still remember how frail and small stature. I remember everything about you.

Oh how I deeply miss you. Oh how I deeply loved you. Oh how deeply I love you.

But my love, you are a story that has long ended. I remember it as though it were just yesterday. I was supposed to see you. I was in the crossroad, thinking which way to go. Should I go home or should I go to you? Had I known better, I would have chosen to go to you. It became clear to me just when everything was too late. You were my home. You have always been my home, my love.

I wish I could go back to that moment. I regret not choosing you. I regret being so stubborn. I should have listened to my heart. Had I known that would be the last time I can hold your hand and kiss you, I would have done everything I can to see you.

Now, it is too late. Oh so late. I prayed, believe me I prayed to Heaven to keep you strong. I cried out to the Almighty Father to help you keep fighting. I prayed to God to keep you alive, but I guess my prayers were all too late.

Years have passed but I still remember that unfaithful moment when I lost you. I was preparing my gift for you. I was supposed to give it to you the following day. I was looking forward for the moment that you can go out of the hospital and be with me again. Dad’s phone rang, It was Mom! Maybe you were looking for me. And then I heard “that word”. And as if it were a lullaby, I fell asleep. Sound asleep. During the wee hours of the day, I swear I heard you call my name. I woke up and I realized, you were not there. And you will never be there! No, not anymore. Never. Ever.

My love, you left me… you abandoned me. Now, I have no one to protect me. No one to cheer me up when I am sad. No one to tell make me feel I am loved beyond compare.

I promised you, one day, we will go to Europe and travel the globe together. I kept my part of the promise, but why didn’t you? Why did you have to leave so soon? Oh my love, why did you not wait for a little more? I am now here, just as I promised you. Oh I hope you can see me now! I hope you are with me now…

When I stood over your casket, I uttered a prayer. I prayed to God to keep you close in His arms and keep you happy. Oh how lucky could He be. He has His sweetest and perfect angel back. I kissed your casket, my last kiss for you and then I bid farewell.

Farewell my love.

You were Heaven’s perfect gift for me. You were the reason why I did not ask for a lot of things. I had you so I know I had everything.

You taught me everything I know now. You taught me to be good and to choose to do good. You taught me about happiness. You taught me about contentment. You taught me about love. But you also taught me about pain.

I hope this letter will reach Heaven. I hope you will know ho much I loved you. I hope you will know how much I love you. I hope you will know I will always love you.

Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change. I love you and my love for you will always remain, my little star in heaven…my grandmother.

With much love,

Your grand daughter

P.S.

I am now happily married to the man I love. I know you would have been more than happy to meet him. He is beyond amazing…and he loves me more than I can ever say nor write about.

2 thoughts on “A Letter to My First Love”

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