the probing wife

Girl, You are not an ATM!

Before I met my husband, I was in a relationship. It was a very interesting, weird and twisted relationship. I admit, at first, I was really in love. I giggle and blush all over like a high school girl even at just the mention of his name. (yuck!)

We met in a very typical way. Our eyes met, then it felt like time stopped and the world revolved around us. I felt like I was looking into the eyes of love itself. (Bweset! lol)  But yeah, I think that was what I felt that time. I thought this is it! I met the man of my dreams! (tanga.) He is tall, dark, handsome (?), with braces and is wearing ORANGE SHOES. (I’ll tell you about the orange shoes next time.)

At first, everything was perfect. Everything was going according to our plans. I was really thinking that the world is conspiring in our favor. Oh, how wrong was I! While he was courting me, he got his exam results from a board exam he took and he failed so he had to go back to Manila again for a review and retake the exam. I was really sad but it’s for his future so I motivated him to do better in his reviews. (supportive diba!) I was his support system. Imagine, even if I was very busy because of my work, I would set my alarm at 3 am to call him and wake him up just so he can study.  I even sent him letters, cards, and other crazy nonsense just to motivate him.

During those times, I was on cloud nine. (bangag!) I knew I was helping the man I loved so I didn’t really care about what I was sacrificing. I was willing to do anything for love! (pagkabugok!) Then when the results of the Exams came up, and he passed, I felt like no one can ever be prouder than me. Though at some point, when I found out about his rating, I was a bit disappointed because he barely made it. (lol)

Things changed when I decided to go to Europe to pursue my dreams and he decided to further his degree in Medicine. I left with a very heavy heart but we agreed that we were doing this for our future so we had to be strong. During the first few months, we were doing great. We had fights but it was nothing  big so I just shook it off. Sometimes he would borrow money from me because his parents didn’t give him enough or because his parents didn’t have money. It was okay for me, I mean, he is my boyfriend so little loans wouldn’t hurt. (Reyna ng katangahan!)

But it later became unbearable. The fight wasn’t just because of petty things already. He cheated on me! For Pete’s sake, how dare this man who knows nothing but borrow money from me cheat on me? Relationship isn’t an exam, so why does he have to cheat! (char!) I was really furious, I was hurt, I was wounded! But after he said that he is sorry, I didn’t know if it was just because I was alone in a very cold and dark country, or because of I was really just plain stupid, (yup, you were!)  I forgave him.  We were back to being a “happy couple” again and he borrows money from me again.

Then it became a cycle. We fight, we break up, we kiss and makeup, he borrows money, we fight, we break up, we kiss and make-up, he borrows money… It was a very tiring cycle but I held on to it. I just couldn’t let go. My friends kept telling me I should move on because it was not worth it. I kept on defending him every time and I always tell my friends it is not his fault. I put the blame to myself every single time. (Hai.engot.)

Then there was an occasion where he broke-up with me because he said his mom didn’t like me. He said that his parents think that our family is not on the same social status because we are poor while they are so “rich” and also because I am ruining his focus on his studies. How was it my fault? His son cannot study at night because he is doing all the requirements for his fraternity in which he was elected as batch leader. Some other times he is so dead-tired because of the drills like push-ups and all the other crazy thing they do. How was it my fault when he was too busy playing Ragnarok every effing night even if I kept on telling him to study! How was it my fault when all I ever did was stay up late at night, watch him study to make sure he will not do anything else! I would wait for him to get ready and prepare for school just to make sure he is never late for his class. I was sending him money just so he can buy the books and materials he needed for class because his “rich” mom didn’t send him money.  How was it my fault when I even paid for everything in our vacation abroad because he said he badly needed it to make him motivated in his studies! How was it my fault when I even gave him an iPad because he said he needed it for his class! OO NA. TANGA NA AKO.MARTIR ANG PEG.  (He promised me he will pay for all of it because it is, after all, a LOAN  but as usual, they are just words.) It really upset me! I have never been that mad my entire life. I went ballistic and immediately went to another country that is much colder and stayed over the weekend just so I can calm my nerves! I was beyond furious!

After a few days, he said he is sorry. That he couldn’t live a life without me but something in me changed. (Tangina mo dude!char!haha) I know I do not feel the same towards him. But maybe, out of pity I said, we are okay. Then the following day, he borrowed money from me again. lol!

The break and makeup cycle continued. (again) He had reasons like he wanted to do soul-searching to really find out what he wanted in life, he wanted to focus on his studies, his mommy said so, he finds it hard to be in LDR and the list goes on. Until the point when I couldn’t bear it anymore. I think the final straw was when his mom sent me a message on Facebook saying “You ruined all our plans for our son.” I was dumb-founded. (My middle finger salutes you, B!)

I can’t be with a man who has no back bone. I can’t be with a person who doesn’t really know what he wants in life. I can’t be with a person who blames another for his stupidity.  I can’t be with a person who wants to be a doctor for a second then change his mind to become a fire-fighter and then a pilot then a nurse in just a matter of seconds. I can’t be with a man who has no integrity and disposition. I can’t settle in a relationship just because of pity. I can’t settle in a relationship just because AT LEAST I am getting a little attention. I can’t settle in a relationship that’s opportunistic.

I decided to end everything. I do not want to be someone’s ATM forever. I do not want to settle with a man-baby. I do not want to settle in a mediocre relationship. I do not want to settle for just a bit of happiness. I do not want to settle for just a bit of love.

I realized, I deserved so much more! I deserve someone so much better. I deserve to be with a real man. I deserve the man God has in store for me. So out in that cold country where snow and wind were blowing like crazy, I waited. I patiently waited for that man who will sweep me off my feet and make me say, “This is the love I deserve.”

I may just be lucky or really just blessed but, I found HIM. I found whom I deserve.


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